Are You Satisfied?
by GGabz
Summary: All lux wants is to find her mom..
1. Chapter 1

I looked up to the sky, and wished. I wished so hard I could brake glass. Kiddin'. No, I'm not.

My name is Lux, just Lux. Ok, Lux Cassidy, but what a name really. Lux Cassidy. What a name. Lux. Lux means light. Light means happiness. I was meant to bring happiness into the world. Yeah, like that ever happened.

I'm fifteen, seven foster homes later, record. In my state it actually is a record. I'm known to the social as 'the kid who can't be placed'. I have had so many case workers. The ones I can remember include: Nat, Alex, Dave, Cindy, Lee, Tracey and the latest one. Its like being shoved from one place to another, but instead its people. They talk about you as if you're not in the room, being my age, it hurts. You're not a kid anymore, you haven't been a kid in a while. Actually, growing up like me, you've never been a kid, yet you always get treated like one.

One question that gets stuck in my head though. My birth parents, who are they? What are they doing? I mean, Cassidy isn't much of a name to go by, its so popular. Take Cate Cassidy for example, she's the presenter of my favourite radio show, see how popular the name is? It's so frustrating. And being in different and to be honest, not the greatest foster homes in the world, I don't know how looking about for them. I don't want to be hurt again. Would you?

There's this weird thing Tash has been talking about, saying that if you get it then you can be your own self, no parents, no foster parents. Just you, out there. I mean, that would be brilliant. But I don't think Tash has fully thought about it. I mean, I would have to find my parents to do so, that's just ergh. And I would have to pay the bills and go to school. Get a job. Yeah, lifes tough at the moment. But how could I handle the stress of life. Cate is so right in that sense, if you don't know what you're doing properly, how can you do it? I don't really want to say this though to tash, she's my best friend and everything, and she hasn't had the greatest life either, but she's an optimistic, I'm a realistic. Shame really, I wish I could dream…

I have one dream, to meet my parents.

Listening to Cate and Ryan banter their lives out, I strolled down the road. I people watch, I don't listen to music. I don't have an MP3 player, plus most songs are about hope, and love. Neither of which I particularly have. So I have a personal radio instead, but Cate and Ryans show thank goodness doesn't have any music playing, and it's the only show I listen to. People watch is far more interesting, you can imagine their lives, go into another world with them, be part of their world. Watch them get coffee, work out who wears the trousers. I can't watch mothers with their children though, that hurts too much. Its about 6am, so I go into a local Maccy D's, its open 24/7. And thank goodness, its good to get away from screaming kids. Other kids that don't realise their fate isn't that their going to be adopted, but they'll move around from foster home to foster home as no-one wants them. All they want is there parents, and sometimes I just want to tell them that its not going to happen, but that's not for me to tell. That's for their case worker, I'm just the babysitter, the older kid, the kid they'll soon replicate. The people at Maccy D's already know me, so they smile as they watch me sit down. I don't order anything, when the nice guy Adam's in, he usually slips me a hash brown as I watch others enter the store, order their food, and then leave.

Cate and Ryan are bantering about children today, or specifically teenage parents. Strange topic to choose I suppose, and for some reason, Cate isn't speaking very much. Maybe it hit a raw nerve or something. She's the person I can relate to, she's like me, very realistic. Always looking at options in life. She's someone I admire. Someone I look up to, and she doesn't even realise how much of a friend she's been to me, she doesn't even know me. The beauty of radio.

I decide its enough of being in Maccy D's, the show has just ended and its gonna get busy in the store, so I wave good bye and leave. I decide to walk briskly, it's a Thursday, and that means it's the day I can get away with not being at school. The head teacher goes out on a Thursday, and the teachers use it to not teach. In a weird way, I kinda like school, I try, so I'm one of the best in the school. Its something to focus on; I'm not really into the whole drug thing, it just doesn't get me. At the same time though, the teachers hate us because the rest of the class don't work.

I decide, this is it. Today I'm going to the social, I'm going to find out my parents, just find out who they are…

_**Hi to start off with. I live in the UK, only 3 episodes in, and thank god I can find somewhere to put my ideas about this programme on, ITS AMAZING. Sorry just sayin' Also I don't know whats happening so this is my interpretation on a different way of going about Lux meeting them. Was originally going to be a one shot so it'll be a short story. I hope people review, because this would help me with writing and stuff. Plus none of my friends know about this programme. Not my fault its being shown on a Sunday night, and I found it on the UK programme catch up thing. It would be a massive help if someone could link me all the episodes. I wanna catch up with the rest of you. Lots of hugs and smiles.**_


	2. Chapter 2

**I HATE MY COMPUTER**

**I wrote this chapter, and didn't save it, STUPID ME**

**It's like still a tab, but it wont open up the document, stupid Microsoft Works, ergh.**

**Anyway, Thank you to all who put websites onto the reviews, none of them worked properly, like I would get so far and BAM! So I've watched like 8 episodes, but 5 of them not till the end. I'm going to buy it all on DVD I think. I love it so much. Anyway, here is the chapter (kinda)**

I walked round the corner, listening the sounds of people, the business of the crowds. Its so fascinating. I keep in mind that I need to ring Bug, and Natasha, but there was time for that my conscience told me, egging for me to go to social. Not like I like the social, its too formal. Everyone thinks Sunnyvale is my proper home, the foster families were just houses. That's not true to me, really, this place is my home; it's the place I go when no-one wants me, just before I go back to Sunnyvale. Just before. Not today, today I'm going on my own accord.

I recognize where I am, and half hour later I see the building. That building. So many memories. I think to myself that it might be the last time I see the place, no it won't. But at least I'm here for myself, no-one else. Me.

The colours, it changes, always blue, but different colour for each section. First, you have the tots, I missed that stage as I was in hospital, then it's the young kids, ages 4-8, I remember that section… Just. I kept going in and out and in and out. The never ending circle. That was a Turquoisy colour, I remember it because I didn't like it very much. Then you have the next section, 8-12 year olds, the ones that could still be adopted, possibly. No-one wanted me, so I spent most of my days in foster homes, possibly a few in that place. Section 3. Finally, the 12-18 year olds, the mature ones, the ones who knew the system by now, or would fast learn it. You go in, end up in Sunnyvale, get fostered for a bit as the babysitter, do something wrong, and then get put back in, the cycle starts again.

I'm in the middle of the last section, and hopefully this will change, someday. I just want Sunnyvale to go, I don't want to be there anymore, I don't want anything to do with that place, it kills me. The only good thing about it is Tash, she's my sister. Not technically, but morally, she's amazing. Been my friend for years now. I remember meeting her like it was yesterday, she smiled at me, that was the only thing to make us best friends, smiling. What a powerful tool, a smile.

I decide to go up the stairs, its all the way at the top, the final stop. I regret the decision to walk up the stairs, so much exercise. So much walking, the steps are so deep. I recognise the reception area, specifically the person there, you get to know the staff really well, even though their not your case worker. You always say hi, be polite, the only thing you really can do. Inside you're burning up in rage, wondering why you haven't been placed in a good home, wondering what is wrong with the system. You can't say that though, you think to yourself they're trying to help so I nod to the receptionist Amber and head my way to my latest case workers office. Forget her name, dunno why I just do.

I recognise my case workers office by the fact it's the largest room at the top, she's the case worker for the worst kids. Yes, I'm classed as one of the bad kids, I'll let you know when I'm told why. The name on the door is Fern, so I guess that's her name, and knock the signature knock. She says 'come in' and I open the door. She seems to smile at me as I walk in to sit down on the comfy chair. I realise how tired I am, damn those stairs, and look at Fern.

'So Lux, why have you come to see me on this very fine day, shouldn't you be at school?' I recognize the tone of voice, the certain patronising one she uses a lot on me. Her words are like she cares, but her tone of the voice speak very differently. I decide on a sarcastic approach, the only way to shut out my anger on this case worker, she gets on my nerves, her four months as my case worker and she found me a crap home. Now I'm stuck being the babysitter, again.

'Well I should be, but if you see the school you put me in, Thursdays are off days,' I reply, almost with a hint of a smile, it shows how much she cares because she should know that by now, 'Anyway, I've come today to see you because I want to ask you something,' I stop, now I'm here, I don't know whether I should ask at all, but then I remember that Tash wants me to be that thing, where I'm looking after myself, but I need my parents signature. Before I'm able to speak, Fern does

'Lux, sorry, I'll try and see about moving schools, but that probably won't be possible, what do you want to ask me dear.' I know full well she won't, she's got so many other cases she probably won't have any time for me, and school is a minor issue in the social world.

'I want to know my parents,' I state simple, the look on Ferns face was joyful, she looked shocked, possibly because she doesn't know.

'I don't think that's a good idea, I mean, you're sixteen in a few days, why don't you come back in a few months,' that's when I realise she has my file with her, open.

'Can I just have a look at my file?' I ask, knowing full well she has no choice but give it to me, as it is my file, and it has my mother's name on it, but Fern is too dumb to realise this.

'Sure,' she smiles and hands it to me, 'I hope this wasn't a wasted journey,' she goes back to the computer to do some paper work, I open to first page, scan in the birth certificate and the name 'Catherine Cassidy' and I thank Fern and get out of the Social as soon as I could. Catherine Cassidy, Catherine Cassidy. I'll have to google her when I get home. I do recognise that name though. Umm.

**Little more to add to it, haha, please review, it makes my day, and thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, you guys are awesome.**


	3. Chapter 3

I run out the Social as fast as I can, I don't like being in that place. The stairs didn't affect me as I went down, I suppose its because of adrenaline rush. I don't get it often, so it's a weird feeling to gather within yourself. Catherine Cassidy. Cassidy. Lux Cassidy. So many thoughts going around my head as I leave the double doors of the Social. I don't need to go back there for a while. Something like a name makes me feel so weird. Joyful, confused, sad, happy. The emotions going around my head a crazy. I need to ring Bug or at least find him, he'll be at his apartment, not far away from here.

I find the apartment, to be honest I don't like it, but it's a great place to hide from everything; it's a great place to escape from the world. Hopefully I'll be living here soon. Lets say hopefully. Bugs there, waiting for me and he gives me a massive cuddle. A great big bear cuddle. its obvious he's missed me, but sometimes I wonder does he miss me or the sex? I kiss him, I do love him, he's been there for me when no-one else has, and I need to honest with him. The kissing continues until I move away. He thinks he's done something wrong, but he hasn't. I've just got to tell him. He's got to know. I know the name of my mother.

'Bug, we got to talk,' I say sitting down on the mattress.

'Lux, whats up? I've missed you,' as he wraps his hands around my waist. I hold onto his hands, I don't want him to let go. I never want him to let go.

I take in a deep breath, 'I know her name,' I sigh, Its too much for me to say the rest. I lean in on Bug's chest. I love Thursdays, they're great days. Me and Bug time, most of the time.

'Who's name Lux, what have you found?' He questions. He's so caring and loveable and amazing.

'My mom, her name,' I smile and look at him. He suddenly moves away, all of a sudden so angry that I'm confused as to why 'Bug,' I scream.

'You think that by you finding your mom's name, you'll be able to find her,' He's seen what I was about to say next. I sigh. I want to cry, I don't like it when Bug is like this. I hate it I HATE IT. 'Well you won't. Don't you understand, we're your family, me, Tasha and Gavin. Not some poxy person who gave birth to you,'

'Please just stop shouting,' I whisper. I'm so scared of his eyes when they're like this. So evil. So scary.

'Why should I, don't you get it. I'm your family, that's why you're getting emancipated, so that you're with me, forever,' He continues to shout. I can't stand it any more.

'Fine, I'm off,' I scream at him. I get off the mattress and leave, just before I close the door he shouts 'Good, and don't come home tonight,'

I don't know why he acts like this. He takes after his father. But he said he didn't want to be like his dad. He didn't want to be an angry person. I'm crying as I leave the apartment place. He scares me sometimes. But I love him so much. Fuck him though. I want to find my mom even if it kills me. I want answers. Screw him, and Tasha if that's how she is too. More questions though, what am I going to do about sleeping tonight? I can't stand my foster home. Its horrible. What am I going to do?

I carry on walking. I need to carry on walking, but then I realise something, maybe Cate and Ryan might help me with my search? I'll ring them when they're on the radio tomorrow. They'll help anyone. Its only fair, right? I deserve my chance for happiness. I've been through enough of hurt in my life. I just want to be happy, and maybe finding this Catherine Cassidy might help, but that name is quite familiar. I need to walk to think this through, so I just walk. I don't know where to, or where abouts I'm going, but all I need to do is walk.

**That ties up Bug, I don't really like him as a character really :/ and the actor is English and best friends with Ed Westwick. Shock horror or what. Anyway, sorry for the short chapter. When Lux and Cate meet, which if I knew myself I would tell you, it'll probably be the end, because I don't like writing long stories, it annoys me. Please review, pleaseee? I'll buy you some awesome cookies. Oh I've watched the whole series now. YAY, I would like to thank everyone who recommended SideReel. Its an amazing website. But yeah, please review…**


	4. Chapter 4

I can't believe him. I actually can't. I know he can't cope, but he said he would try, he said he would try for me. He said he loves me, but at the same time, he doesn't want anything to do with me. I just keep running, keep running Lux, perhaps something will happen. Just maybe something good will come out of this. Maybe. Something needs to change my life. I cannot be living like this. I deserve better. I deserve better than having Bug, I don't deserve him. I don't deserve the life I got. Why did I get this life? What did I do to deserve this? I hate it. Sunnyvale, Bug, the lot.

I dont know where I'm going, I don't recognise where I am. It hurts, im not scared; I can never be scared. I've been scared far too many times in my life for me to be scared now! I've done this before, the last time bug flipped. Sucks that I don't have a phone really, the joys of living in Sunnyvale. Sometimes I do wish that I was a normal kid growing up with a normal family having brothers and sisters... But at the same time, without my experiences, the different crappy foster care, I wouldn't be the person I am today, but do I like this self is another question that I really just cannot answer.

I get to a place, it's open, and it's a bar. It looks all right, somewhere for people like me to go to to be honest. It's surprising because its still daylight. Me and Tasha, it's great you know, we get served, have a good night getting other men buy for us. Thats what I need, a drink. I go 's only one other person inside the bar, and the other, obvious bar owner. Looks like a young man, longish hair, yet too old for me. Hes like twice my age. The person he's chatting too in all honesty, is a bit worse for ware, making me nervous as I walk into the bar and sit at one of the stalls.

'Hey, can I get you something?' the owner asks me, but I ignore him as I'm taking in by the other person, a woman, talking.

'Baze, you have a absolutely no idea, no idea at all...' she mumbles to herself, drinking vodka and coke. I don't like seeing women drink this early in the day, but I was going to myself, so I guess I can't talk. She keeps mumbling but I can't really hear what she's saying, its more like she's talking to herself. That guy, Baze, he can't hear either.

I look back at the owner, for some weird reason he has a name tag on, someone is obviously trying to look professional. What a weird name: Baze. Perhaps its his nickname, if so, not very professional. 'who is she?' I accidentally say out loud, oops. I should be ordering a drink, not wondering who people are.

'oh thats Cate Cassidy, you know, from the show...'

'Morning Madness, love it!' I cut him. Why is Cate acting like this? Yeah, I know she's pretty negative on the show and such, but it's like I know her, she tells her life story on the show. Why don't I know? Can I help her? It's not like there is anything wrong, is there? I hear more mumbling from Cate...

'I love her so much. I miss her so much. My baby, OUR baby Baze! I don't even know where she is! She's sixteen soon, in a couple of days. And it hurts. Ryan talking about teenage pregnancies on the show just brought back everything. At least I got to name her. Did you know that? I got to name her. It'll be so easy when she's eighteen, because I didn't pick an obvious name. I could never do that because she's mine. Lux Cassidy her name...'

And that's when I work out why Catherine was slept with a C, to be honest I thought it was a spelling mistake. I go white. Here I am randomly, with my parents, and they dont even know who I am. On top of that, my biological dads name is Baze? What is wrong with this world?


	5. Chapter 5

It's so hard to describe what your thinking at such an important moment in time. This was not what I was imagining in my head for a reunion. I'm sitting next to my mum who's crying because she is drunk and has just told my dad of my existence. My dad is about to serve me a drink. Wait, my dad is a bar tender, oh my life.

Baze suddenly interrupts my trail of thought, 'sorry about this, can you excuse me?' he doesn't wait for my reply as he goes to Cate who is still hyperventilating 'what do you mean we have a kid? I asked you to get rid of it!' now that makes me feel a lot better. So my dad didn't want me. Its like my whole world is crashing down. Why didn't she just get rid of it? I didn't want to go though. I needed to find out. I gotta know why I'm in existence if no-one wants me. Then I can go back to Tasha and Bug and they can go 'I told you so' and it'll all be okay again.

'How could I just "get rid of it". Its not like I would ever want to get rid of a child. I was sixteen, I didn't want to get rid of a child. She was... She is my child. Why did I give her away when it's killed me ever since? I did it for her, I wanted her to have a better life, but look where it's got me? I've tried to carry on, but I can't. I need her, I need to say I'm sorry. I need to be her mom.' cate couldn't carry on. It was heartbreaking. She wants me, even if my Dad doesn't. I really didn't know what to say. What to do. What to think. My mom wants me.

Baze ignores her and he turns his attention to me, 'Sorry about her, she seems in such a mess right now. I haven't even seen her since high school. Anyway, you don't look like you come from around here, what do you want to drink?'

'Seems a bit early so I'll have a coke' I reply. He goes and gets a can and then I realise a flaw - I don't have any money with me. I wait till he comes back and he says 'no, this ones on me as an apology'. He seems such a gentleman. A gentleman who doesn't want a kid. Mind you, who would want a kid at my age. I can understand that, but I don't know, does he still want me. I have to try and make more conversation with him.

'So, your names Baze. What a... Weird name,' I say whilst sipping my drink. There was almost an eery atmosphere, but I still wasn't ready to leave. It was almost like I wasn't allowed to go until I said who I am. I wasn't ready. There was so much tension in this room. Cate wasn't speaking any longer, she was just staring into space, almost praying. Possibly just getting through her head what had happened.

'Yeah, nickname. Names Nathaniel, see why I have a nickname,' I nod, agreeing with him Didn't catch yours though,' Baze replys. You can tell that he's just making conversation because of Cate's behaviour, but I made my announcement.

'Oh yeah. Sorry. Um. I'm um. Well I'm Lux, Lux Cassidy,' and Cate's head pops up and Baze goes white. I can't believe I've just said it. It was too early, or too late. It was the wrong time. I knew it. Cate turns around, puts her hands on my face, staring. Her breath is full of alcohol. She's drunk. I don't want drunk mother. I've had enough of those in my lifetime. So many foster mothers who were drunk, not to mention drunken fathers. That's the reason I left to find Cate and Baze in the first place.

'You mean... You mean, you're her. My baby?' cate says. Her eyes locking into mine. I pull away from her. It's too much. I run. I run out of the bar. I can't do it. I can only do what I do best: run. I see the eyes from my parents staring at the back of my head. But I run.

**Please review? Tell me how bad the chapter was please. Just watched latest episode of season 2, oh my god! I cried. LUX! Please review! If I don't update again, have a very merry Christmas. You deserve it! You can have some cyber cookies from me :)**


	6. Chapter 6

'See what you've done. That's our baby Baze, our baby. Get her back!' Cate was screaming at Baze, undeniably showing her affection towards me. Why affection though? Why would she scream about me? I couldn't go far, I only went around the corner, so that I could listen. Stupid idea I suppose, but something was holding me back from actually running, not like previous times. Previous memories, oh Lux why do you have to keep remembering, Lux, stop remembering. Lux stop it! LUX

I want to keep running, get away from Baze and Cate, I want to never see them again. I don't want to think about the past, they are my past. I'm running away from the past, but do I want to run away from the past? Do I want to see their faces again? Yes of course I do, they're my parents, and that's the first time I've said that with meaning. Now Lux, breathe normally, or as normally as you can because you don't do normal. Breathe. Now, think about the positives and negatives of talking to them again. Positives: they can't be bad can they? Negatives: I don't know them! Oh dear oh dear. Lux calm it! Right, listen to them.

'I know its her Baze, I can tell. Instinct, call it mothers instinct. Whatever. I need her,' She needs me? What the hell? I need her. I need her not to be drunk. Fair point, I need her sober. I can't cry, I want to cry and I can't. Why? Is it because I don't know them? I don't know anymore.

'Cate, ever thought about the fact she doesn't need you?' Baze replied calmly, but it made me so angry. Of course I need them, they're my parents. They're the people who should care about me and everything that I've gone through, of course I need them. I tried to call out, but silence came from my mouth. Tears were streaming down my face. Finally I could cry, something I've been needing to do for a while, okay not much of a while. But I've never cried about my parents, not about foster parents or anything. Lux don't remember, stop remembering! I couldn't breathe again. I wanted to breathe but something wouldn't let me. I wanted to run out, but my legs couldn't take me. A panic attack. All I needed. Need to think properly about this Lux, properly.

'Of course she needs me, I'm her mom,' Cate calls 'Lux, Lux, LUX,' She's screaming my name. My name. That's got to mean something, but she's drunk. Like all my other foster parents, they were all bloody drunk, that's why I wanted to find them! Its why I wanted to see my real parents, Cates from the show! The show all about real life problems and how to overcome them. Positive thinking Lux well done. Now then, positives: I could help her, and him. My Dad. He actually seems normal, caring perhaps. Although rather pessimistic, something I can totally relate to. Cate I think wants me, but she's drunk. Baze well, I don't know. I can't think properly, this is all too much. I want to run away, I want to stay. I want to stop crying but I want to cry. I don't know if I want everything or nothing. Do I want them or don't I?

I see someone in the corner of my eye, but don't pay any attention. Then I realise the shouting has stopped, and there are no noises. The noise has gone, the tears are still prominent. I see a second shadow, its hers. I can't look up! I won't look up! It's not fair, why does everyone have to find me. The care workers did when I ran away, when my foster dad… Lux stop it! Stop remembering, there is no point in remembering such a thing any more. There is someone in front of me, and I can't look up. I think its her. I hear her breathing, the smell of the alcohol not as prominent as last time I was this close to her. I need to stay calm about this. Stay calm.

She touches my hair, and more tears flow from my face. Such a motherly gesture should only be acted if one has been a mother in the past, and she hasn't been. But why am I longing for her to keep touching my hair. Why do I want her touching my hair, touching me lovingly. I want to be loved, as a child. The breathing is there, but only just. Breathe in, breathe out. Lux come on you can do it, she's there. This person gave birth to you, snap out of it. Be mature. I just want to be a child, but being mature is the way I've been for too many years of my life, I don't know how to be a child. I've never been a child. I feel a drop on my head, but the sun is shining brightly. I knew that it was her tears. She's crying to; why should she cry?

'Come inside, please?' She continues to stroke my hair, something which is an act of love, but I can't believe she loves me. This is just too much, I know it is. That's why I'm struggling breathing, it must be. I don't have any other reason as to why I'm struggling to breathe. I say to myself 'I can't do this, I just can't,' and I look up, to realise that Cate had listened to every word I just said. Our eyes locked. They were brown and an oval shape, beautiful eyes if I was going to analyse them, but I couldn't think of anything else to do. I felt so guilty for saying that, she was holding my arms, never wanting to let me go. But I needed to go, go and get some space.

The tears were still flowing by the time I'd run down the road and turned a corner, trying to decide where I was going to go next.

**AO - I'm seriously SO SO SO SO sorry for not updating this. I had a review asking me to a few days ago and this is what came up, slightly different to the other chapters, but this story will end soon :) Sorry I've been so busy lately. :/**


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